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| yesterday was the first day that i really just wanted somebody to be with me, and take care of me. even when i'm sickish, i enjoy the luxury of being able to lie around and fall asleep to a new album every so often throughout the afternoon and trudge around the house acting mopier than i really am. days with marathons, sweet medicine, long showers, to wake up the next morning to a big yawn and a long stretch and i'm ready for the world again.
i'm awake, and i'm alive, and somehow, something's telling me to just do it. i'm not really thinking about it. i'm not pretending it's already happening, i'm not pretending it's going to happen, i'm just thinking, i'll offer it to happen. that's liberating. and accidental. which makes it even more liberating.
i have a busy week ahead of me though, i think. i think that's best though. since this weekend was a bummer, a long fucking nap, i think that being productive will keep me focused and happy, and i can reward myself with the weekend once again. monday i have to switch my classes to take design and illustration, call polo, make up two guitar proficiencies, talk to cantrell about the art trip on friday, and make up a chem test. by friday, i'm sure that will employ more work, less weed, less money, and hopefully a trip to dc to the museum on friday (crossing my fingers). hopefully the rest of the weekend will bring friends, faces i've missed, new faces, close or far apart.
hopefully not any more rain, either.
all in good time, maybe i'll find a path to take.
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| currently eating chinese leftovers for the second time in a row for breakfast and listening to merriweather post pavilion straight through and back again for the countless times i have in the past three days.
i keep getting this consistent talk about how i have all this potential, but it looks like i'm just not using it. catlin says that she is twenty years old and i'm more than four years more interesting than her, but all it seems like i do is 'hang out' when i have all these neat things i'd love to be doing. i insist that i'm just not at the right point in my life to be getting out and going to shows all the time, and that nobody in high school likes the same things that i do and that's that. but i rest my case, because in the thought that this next year and a half in lancaster could just be 'hanging out' scares the shit out of me, besides the good times that are blurry with my best of friends.
i don't know, it's like... there's my best of friends ever, who don't live right here. when i get to see them, i get out and have alot of fun times i'll never forget and i know they'll continue past right now. out there, there are people that i know and love and see only so often that i'm dying to see more. we try and try again. distance. fucking. kills me.
here, i have my best of friends right now that i party with on the weekends and drive around with and make pizza with and and and. but i will admit, sometimes it's just not as fullfilling as for my usual interests. they wonder where everybody else went in my life, and we all just already went our seperate ways. i guess i could try and try again while i'm sitting around anyways.
today it is beautiful outside again, and i want to make it better than yesterday when i just napped around and talked on the phone instead of getting much done. hopefully everybody's still at ariel's and we can make breakfast or go somewhere pretty.
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| for me right now, it's all about real life, or as close to it as i can get.
i won't miss out any more. continue to be my friend and i will try to be your's, too. thank you all.
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| something is totally gnawing at me to make a list of random cute fun things i want to do.
+ get a husky puppy
+ go shopping with jake
+ visit jeffrie in philadelphia
+ do 'things i like about, want to do with, want you to know about for you' papers with caylin and mair
+ go to a fennario's show
+ meet up with someone random for burritos
+ meet up with an old cute friend at spyro gyro
+ paint
+ have a starfucker dance party
+ get trashed with one person for a night
+ video games/pizza/beer night
+ breakfast picnic
+ ride around with someone blasting blink 182
+ vegan potluck
+ find a barn, put on a show
+ make a new friend.
as for me not having money kind of bullshit, look:
currently have 9 dollars.
+ 7 dollars (back from broken cd's)
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16 dollars.
- 10 (polaroids)
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6 dollars.
(save for the week, or if i go out for coffee, or ice cream, or whatever) (want in the future: owe will 10 dollars, snowing summer tour tape/tshirt)
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| lats night i ate sushi and danced around to dan deacon in my underwear. last night i watched american hardcore (amazing punk rock documentary, need to see it) swallowed by my favorite blankets.
i realise i have some things i'd like to do, and need to take time to have fun. sometimes even fun things feel like a task anymore, due to having to rush around quickly beforehand, having to pay somebody to get me there, etc. the simple pleasures of going to cheap shows, going out in your old favorite summerdress to see a friend, getting ice cream and coming back home to swim, making pancakes in the morning, that is what i need.
the fact that i get paid 40 dollars a week and it can't cover my expenses is pretty ridiculous. it is due to independence day this week, and that i didn't even get drunk off the beer i put in for. note: stick it to 40 oz., pbr is trendy as fuck anyways.
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